Does anyone else who suffers mental health problems feel bored when there’s no crisis? It’s good not being suicidal or erratic and stuff, but it’s so illogically tempting to go cold turkey on medication just so something will happen.
My life is the calmest it’s been in such a long time, despite big things going on around me. Instead of my usual meltdowns I’ve been the calm at the eye of the storm.
But I’m painfully bored.
Borderline personality disorder is often likened to being on a roller-coaster. The problem is, as terrifying as rollercoasters are – they’re also exciting. The adrenaline rush makes them addictive.
I wouldn’t wish mental health issues on anyone (much). It isn’t pretty like in films. It hurts when your parents find tissues covered in blood from when you self harmed, or seeing the scars on your stomach turn purple when it’s cold. It hurts reading the morbid quotes you texted yourself as a reminder of your sins whilst in the throes of cold turkey (‘eternal damnation!’).
Dealing with mental health issues is like an eternal search for peace, but once things seem remotely peaceful you squirm and start thinking up ways of creating havoc. The future doesn’t seem exciting, because finding that happy place feels impossible.
But you keep trundling on, because maybe this time things will be better.